Suffering as a choice

Here is what I notice about myself and my decision making process. Well, an example will probably work best.

I'm sitting in the car. I have just finished grocery shopping. In the car are, among other things, half of a sandwich and a box of generic pop-tarts. I am not hungry. The sandwich tastes really good and so do the pop-tarts. I notice that I am not hungry and that I do not want to eat anything. I decide to eat something anyway. I eat one pop-tart. Then I eat the sandwich. Then I eat the other pop-tart. Now my stomach is uncomfortably full. I hear the thought, well, I might as well finish the box of pop-tarts since I am already past full and I will have to eat them sometime anyway.

So, what I see in this example is something that pervades my life. I see the choice that will lead to happierness, and I do not take it. I consistently chose pain and suffering. Not in large ways necessarily, although I sometimes do that too, but in these small ways, every day, I chose to suffer rather than to respect the limitations of the form.

When I came to human design I knew this, and it is this tendency that I hoped to heal. That I could chose what is correct instead of what leads to suffering, but it seems like this tendency has gotten worse. It used to be that sometimes I would chose what felt right, and sometimes I would chose what I "wanted." Now I consistently chose what I "want" instead of what feels right. It's like my mind is trying to rebel against the increased awareness by proving that it has power whenever it can.

Though, it is also entirely possible that in the past I was simply unaware of how often I chose to suffer and that what is happening now is an increased awareness of suffering that will lead to a decrease in suffering overall. Time will tell.




Photo by Marc Pilaro